Oh Chris Hansen...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Is it your impeccable fashion sense? Perhaps the way your hair never moves even when faced with sexual predator after sexual predator. Oh no. I love you Chris Hansen for making me feel like my Grandma is reading porn out loud to my entire family and a group of nuns (after she's done hiding her urine, of course).

I love you because you aren't afraid to say the word "thang". I love you because you just want to know what made the guy stop at Taco Bell before coming over to the Dateline "To Catch a Predator" house. I love you because you ask the tough questions- Did you bring Lube? Do you have condoms with you? Was it you who said you wanted do her hard and fast with her legs over your shoulders? I love the way you always put the men right in their place when they ask you who the F%ck you are with a quick "I'll get to that in a second." I love that you will show a man's penis pump on prime time television without hesitation.

I love the way you make me want to abandon my current employer to go and work for Perverted Justice as the decoy, or maybe even the one who does all the quirky 14 year old online chats. I can use all the "in" phrases. I can spell all the words with a Z and make all the correct smiley faces.

I love that the rest of the television community has also recognized your excellence with an Emmy nomination. I love that you can put a "To Catch a Predator" house anywhere and these crusty men will still show up. Most of all I love that you make it available for my viewing pleasure.

Hanger-Uppers

I get a call from the boy. 6 minutes deep he hangs up. Annoying thing #1

Annoying thing #2- he doesn't call back. Who does that? WTF?

People Watching- The Sport of Champions

A while ago the BFF decided to set out on (what I consider to be) a CRAZY CRAZY endeavor. She has a pal who is off fighting the bad guys in Iraq and he made a small request that she run in the Army 10-miler. In a moment of weakness/insanity she said yes.

Please- do not be fooled. Huge (HUGE) props to the BFF. I am not a runner. Let's be honest- I'm way more of a motorized scooter kind of a girl. So I think she is/was 100% hard core badass for doing this.

One problem... Now she's one of THEM.

(I promise I'm getting to the People Watching part...)

You know who I'm talking about. THEM. (kind of like the Lost-esque "OTHERS" minus all the kidnapping and guns and stuff) She's one of those people who reads Runners World and has shin splints and enjoys the smell of Flex All. You know- THEM. PS- remember the not hating part about the BFF being a bad ass. Thanks.

One good/humorous thing has come out of all this for me. I have had plenty of time to participate in one of my favorite sports. Semi-Professional People Watching. Not yet recognized by the Olympics, but we're workin on it. A local charity sponsored 5k is #2 on my list of excellent people watching spots. #1 is, of course, a gay bar in Iowa, but that is a totally different story. Anyway- when you people watch as seriously as I do, the people you watch end up with random/amusing/identifying names that help to describe or distinguish them when you're telling other people about your experience. The local charity sponsored 5k has introduced me to many new people-

• Girl who vomited at the finish line
• I'm too hard core for this little BS 5k guy
• Negative 2% body fat lady

My favorite- OLD GLORY. Picture him...I'm guessing late 60's-ish (give or take). He's got that no body fat, but wrinkly old man thing goin on. HOT. Sweat band on his head, little wife-beater tank top. But the best part- THE BEST- are his booty short (I mean BOOTY short) shorts with the good old American flag print on them. Turns out that my man Old Glory is a regular. I've seen him twice now and even though I couldn't find him last weekend at the 10-miler- I KNOW he was there. I could feel it.

So all you wacky runners- be on the look out for him. You can't miss those totally sweet booty shorts.

I'm Baaaaaaccckkk....

I'm sorry for neglecting you. It's not you, it's me.

I will confess. I am a delinquent blogger. Or maybe just a big slacker. Or both. Whatever.

Anyway- I've decided to take up blogging again. I feel like I can dig up some funny stuff to write about. In fact, I have a running list going so LOOK OUT. I gots PLENTY of updates. I've been through many, many funny things over the last few months so it should make for amusing blogging. Stay tuned kids.

Holiday Weekend

Can you believe it's already about to be June? I feel like it's all flown by. I spent the majority of my holiday weekend just hanging out and relaxing- catching up on stupid stuff that I've been slacking off on- just random housework and work stuff. Nothing too exciting, but it was so nice to have an extra day.

I suddenly find myself like foaming at the mouth to go on vacation. We're going to the beach at the end of July and that seems like 1,000,000 years away. I am so not a fan of being hot or sweating except when at the beach. For some reason it doesn't matter then and I can just sit there and bake all day in the sand.

I'm trying to convince my family to plan something for like end of September/October-ish. I just need something else to look forward to... We'll see about that.

B-I-N-G-O

So this girl at work asked a bunch of people if they wanted to go call B-I-N-G-O at an assisted living here in Reston. If you don't know my history with B-I-N-G-O, my love of the game dates back to my first vacation abord a cruise ship. Cruise ship B-I-N-G-O is noooo bullshit. These people are 100% for serious. They speak their own language (B-I-N-G-O lingo). And I'm ok with the serious B-I-N-G-O because I won like $450 in one game so I gots mad respect for Cruise Ship B-I-N-G-O.

Anywho- So BFF and I decide to go call B-I-N-G-O at the assistied living thinking that our duo of B-I-N-G-O commentary would have the old folks in stitches. I had visions of me with a microphone yelling out things like "the sexy legs of B-I-N-G-O". Turns out not to be so much like that.

Do NOT get me wrong- it was way fun and still pretty hiliarious, but for much different reasons. First of all Adam- main squeeze to the BFF came with us. So he's sitting at this table with all these old women playing B-I-N-G-O. If I had a visual for this, you would understand. The lady to his left had her best blue eyeshadow on and the one to his right had like zero teeth. There was even a woman wearing a B-I-N-G-O t-shirt. There was no B-I-N-G-O lingo to be had at this game. Any attempt to make jokes would have totally thrown off the players and would have resulted in total disaster.

My favorite of all the women had clealy just had a visit from MTV's PIMP MY WALKER. She was rocking a walker with like a tool belt of sorts attached to it. And in the pockets of her walker were all of her necessary items- comb, pencils and pens, eyeglass case... She was by far my favorite. When I am old- I will play B-I-N-G-O all day long and I will have the MOST pimped out walker of them all.

Magna-Poetry

I was at Whole Foods the other day and I'm at the checkout. I'm such a sucker for crap at the checkout. I seriously have to force myself into the "No Candy/No Tabloid" line. I will be tempted to purchase either candy and/or tabloids. Anywho- The Whole Foods checkout doesn't really have the candy/tabloid problem, but still I got suckered into buying the hoo ha at the register. Good thing for me that instead of Twix or Peanut Butter Cups and the latest trashy issue of US Weekly that they had these cute cards and magnets with sweet little sayings on them. So I bought one and hung it up next to Big Black Dick and Mamma Steve.

It says:
"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity..." - Gilda Radner

Don't you love that? Delicious Ambiguity. Love, love, love.

Did you think I only bought one? Doubt it.
The other one says:
"Be glad of life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars; to be satisfied with your possessions; to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness, and to fear nothing except cowardice; to be governed by your admirations rather than by you disgusts; to covet nothing that is your neighbor's except his kindness of heart and gentleness of manners; to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends...and to spend as much time as your can, with body and with spirit. These are little guideposts on the footpath to peace." - Henry Van Dyke

Roid Rage

To take the steriods or not to take them...that is the question.

I've been taking these steroids for my supposed arthritis. (Supposed because I haven't received the OFFICIAL diagnosis yet, although now the symptoms have lasted well over the 6 week requirement). When my cute Asian Rheumatologist (who will be hence forth known as CAR short for cute Asian Rheumatologist) gave me the steroids, he only told me "Take 6 today, 5 the next day, 4 the next yada yada yada". So I did that- never really looked at how many mg each pill was. Then I realize I'm probably taking the wrong dosage and maybe that is why all of a sudden I can't walk? Not sure about that.

So I leave work because I'm in need of narcotics. Being at work and needing narcotics is SO not a good thing. Especially considering the people I work with. I get home and call the CAR. No response. So I'm like eff it- I'm taking the narcotics whether he likes it or not. Clearly as if the CAR and I are in a deep relationship and he has wronged me by not calling back so I am taking the narcotics as if to punish him for his wronging me. So I get up the next morning and hobble out of the bed very slowly and call the CAR again. This is how you know that CAR and I have no deep relationship- I would never call a boy TWICE. Bleh. Anyway- CAR doesn't call. It's 1pm. I call CAR AGAIN...... for real. I mean I don't call the man just for shits and giggles. I clearly can't move certain body parts and I kinda need to chat with him. FINALLY- 6:45pm he calls me with such attitude. "What's the problem?" WTF CAR?

Needless to say- today I'm taking quadruple the dosage of the roids and moving all appendages just fine, thanks. Still eating, though. Don't worry- still freakin eating.